The Phallic Mushroom

(Parental advisory: mook content)

I felt I am a broken piece and I should be allowed to feel shattered.

So I went home during the holy week to lick my wounds and
wallow  in the mud.

When I was home, my annoying nephews spoiled my supposed
time for self indulgence. 

Every morning they would jump into my bed to wake me up. They
would pull the sheet and my blanket and push me into the floor.
They would clamp my eyelids open.

My vacation would be greeted with anticipation and great
excitement.They would always wait for my arrival by the street
and they would run to hug me and carry my things.

They are are sweet. They adore me.

But it comes with a price. It means I have to go biking with them
in the field to gather fruits and vegetable, or hunt birds with them
in the forest with a slingshot or we would climb the hills whenever
they feel like it. Or we would swim in the river. This activities
are forbidden. They are allowed only if I am around.

And I would tell them stories before they go to bed. 

I have told them all the stories I could recollect. So,I have to
invent and recreate stories from bits and pieces of my childhood
memories. One time, they asked for a story, I ran out of stories
so I related this naughty story told to me by our neighbor when I
was, I think, about five years old. The story brought them to
laughing fits and they literally rolled on the floor.

The story goes:

 (The backdrop of the story is our rustic barrio, circa 1970s.
You see in the barrio, girls are coy: The type who would cover
their mouth with their hanky when the smile; The type who
would just flatter their long eyelashes when accosted by
gentleman.)      

The rainy month of August is the season for gathering wild
mushrooms. According to old wisdom, during rainy season
mushrooms hiding beneath the ground would come out.
Apparently,the sudden streak of lightning and roar of thunder
would startle the mushroom hiding beneath the ground.
Panicked and astounded, these mushrooms would come out
and the ground would break open, the way a popcorns burst
from the pan when heated. 

Pedro, our "bida" in the story is in love with Maria. However,
he is afraid to show his interest or declare his love to Maria.
Maria’s father is strict and his preoccupation is sharpening
every bolo or knife in their home. 

One day, Pedro overheard Maria and his friends talking about
their plans of gathering mushroom in the field.Pedro thought it
was his last chance, so he devised a plan.

The following day, Pedro went to the field where there was
plenty of mushroom and buried himself lying from his back on
the ground… except his “mushroom”(…nakalitaw lang kabute
niya).

Soon after, Maria and her friends came. They grabbed very
mushroom they saw and filled their basket. As luck would have
it, it was Maria who saw Pedro’s “mushroom”. She grabbed the
mushroom but she could not pull it from the ground. She was
confused because the stronger she pulled, the mushroom was
getting sturdier and harder. Even bigger. Thinking that that
the mushroom was planted firmly on the ground she thought of
softening the soil around it.

Maria peed on the mushroom.

Ok I am a bad bad Uncle!