a damp of excrement on a tissue paper

I failed in the bar exam.

I feel bad. No, that’s an understatement. I feel like ten frat men hit me on the gut a hundred times.

In the movie Sideways, there is a scene where the lead actor, fraught with so many frustrations in life, bottled up violent emotions, finally vented, cried hysterically to his friend and uttered the words:

“I am just tiny damp of excrement on a tissue paper, desperately reaching out to the sea.”

I spout the same words. I shed copious tears. I am weak. I blame my mother for raising me weak. Right now I want to return to her bosom and cry like a baby and she would hug me, hush and assure me that everything is gonna be alright.

I don’t know what went wrong. I have assembled my arsenal for the battle. I failed. This is my greatest defeat and everything around me just crumbled.

I am ashamed of the people around me: those people who have been counting on me, relatives and friends who have been supporting me one way or another. I am ashamed of my brother who is working on the other side of the word to support me during and after the bar exam. I feel bad that victory and joy I should have given to my already old parents had eluded them. I hope it will not be too late.

“What does not kill you will make you stronger”. “Life isn’t over after that single exam” “Everything happens for a reason. Accept and move on.”

I wish those kind words could ease the pain and frustration I feel.

I am such total failure.