Negative Pregnant

When my girl friend (emphasis on the friend) texted : “Call me. I have shocking news. I am upset” ; my general reaction was not of distress, but more like, mimicking her expression… duh! She has a penchant for exaggerating what is perfectly normal situation into something sublime and ridiculous. Despite her mature age she speaks with bloodcurdling colegiala accent only Kris Aquino can get away with. I reckon that colegiala language has corrupted the English word shocking. Shocking as an adjective should be reserved only for those most bizarre, outrageous and out of this world event. Instead, shocking or “shocks” as they usually say (and oftentimes replaced with omigosh!) is being used to describe things like: A zit that has erupted on her nose or her crush saw her in her pambahay look, or a girl wearing a mismatched top.

“OA ka. Go ahead tell me”, I texted back.

“FOR ONCE TAKE ME SERIOUSLY!!! I AM TERRIBLY UPSET!!! I AM DYING HERE!!!!”

Capital letters. Excessive use of exclamation points. I just rolled my eyes until it hurt and then I dialed her landline.

“I am pregnant. Ikaw pa lang nakakalam. Don’t tell any one. Shut up.

“I am not saying anything yet… Are you sure?”

Pause.

“Positive. I just came from my doctor.”

“I don’t recall having sex with you. Unless you drugged me.”

“You think this is funny? I have a baby here. A human being inside me.”

“Since when? Who’s the culprit?”

“Six months. I won’t tell who the guy is.”

“You are six months pregnant?! And you learned it just now?”

“I said I did not know. I did not notice it. It was so tiny, I thought it was just my bilbil”

Now that indeed is shocking. Why in the world did she not know that she was already pregnant? Or mistaking six-month pregnancy to bilibil? Every woman would at least suspect that they might me pregnant. That is one thing you learn just by being a woman. It does not involve intelligence. Well, a little inference maybe for there are signs and symptoms. Where there is a cause there is a corresponding effect. Unless, she was impregnated in an overcrowded MRT. Or an immaculate conception!

“So how did you know finally?”

“I noticed that my kilikili is getting darker. I freaked out kasi hindi ko siya napapaputi even with assiduous application of astringent. Pero alam mo I notice that my boobs are getting bigger and firmer. Only then I realized… omigosh …I read that one time in Cosmo…”

“So prior to the six months you did not suspect. You never had inkling. What about your period? You never felt any tiyanak moving inside you?”

“I thought it was just one of my irregular cycles. Yun pala nag-spotting na. You don’t understand, you’re a guy. Plus, I thought it was safe. Once lang… we did not really do it.”

“You didn’t really do… what?”

“You know… the withdrawal thing.”

"Goodness! You’re putting images on my mind. I want to see you now. I want to kill you."

“Ano gagawin ko?”

I am not good at this. I don’t pass for mature person. The last time I gave advice to a person was when I told my friend not leave the house yet while I am still eating unless he spins my plate or some bad thing would happen to him outside. My advice was unheeded; instead he raised his bushy uneven eyebrows and made an impression of Tito-Vic-and-Joey: ngeee! I admire those people who seem to know everything about life and their pieces of advice are regarded as wisdom. I can never be a Charo Santos or Joe d’ Mango or Tita Delia or Kuya Cesar.

In this situation, probably the best advice I could give is:“Sue the damn guy for damages!”