Physical Examination

(Warning:may have explicit contents)

As a prerequisite for my employment, I have to go through the medical examination.

I badly needed a job. My financial support has been severed after the bar exam and I have squeezed all my resources to the last drop.

I passed all the tests required by the job. What if I fail this time?

The inner Marxist in me was suddenly awakened that I was tempted to shout: “Workers of the world unite!” These corporations knew how badly we need money to survive in this capitalist world they created. Healthy people equal great profits so they make sure that every worker is fit so that their abilities are maximized. I feel I’m a lowly proletariat seeking for a job and I am reduced to a machine – a mere instrument for profit.

Anyway, I filled up a form which asked for my medical history. Diseases and abnormalities known to man were listed where I had to check the Yes or No box depending on what is applicable to me. The diseases ranged from the simple (flu, colds, headache, etc.) to the morbid (cancer, insanity, HIV) and the utterly ridiculous such as extra-appendage in the body.

I was tempted to check the “yes box” under the extra appendage and let the doctor itch with curiosity to examine it. But I realized my appendage was not peculiar: All Homo Sapiens of the male species like myself have an appendage of varying sizes or forms (?).

So I tried to be as truthful as possible until the Physical Injuries part. Inspired by Dr. House’s motto that everybody lies, I checked the NO Box. If they would find something not normal in my system during their examination, then it’s their job to determine the cause and recommend the cure. A NO would invite interest. They would know that I was beaten into purple pulp in a hazing during my first year in law school, that my kidney was damaged, that I underwent a dialysis to clean out the toxins in my blood, and that I had to go through a medication to repair my kidneys. It’s not that I am sick and puny that I can’t perform stressful jobs. (The last time I had check up, my doctor assured me my kidneys where back to normal, and that they were functioning well again). I just do not want to give them doubt of by fitness to work. I said I badly need a job.

I was advised to undergo the examination in their company-accredited hospital. But before proceeding to the hospital I have to go through what they refer to as “vital signs test” in their clinic.

“A... what?” I chortled.

“The last time I checked, I had a pulse and I was breathing.”

“It’s the procedure sir. Everybody goes through it”

He said firmly and uncompromisingly as if I was a comatose patient who sneaked out from a hospital in order to apply in their company.

The following day I went to the hospital. The icky part of medical examination is the laboratory where I had to scoop my shit and put it in a container. Worst part was, that night before our kasambahay cooked buttered veggies (with sweet corn!), my favorite. And we all know what happens to the corns when it entered our digestive system. It also comes out whole unadulterated from our excretory orifice. Imagine I had to pick out the kernels in my poop with a chopstick before putting it my vial.

I kept my stool sample securely in the deepest chamber my bag since I had to take the MRT. If some nosey guard would insist to check on it, thinking that it is a substance for making bombs, I would gladly open it under his nose.

I do not have problem with the doctors cupping my balls while he lets me cough and him peering into my asshole, for as long as I am sure he is a He in the strictness sense of the word and for as long as he does not leave any instrument in there. The uncomfortable part was the drug test where I have to pee in full view a person. You see, I am not an exhibitionist, and I can’t take a leak in front of people checking out whether my urine sample really came out from my anatomy. I had to fill my bladder with tankers of water and iced tea just to break it loose.

I coughed up almost a thousand pesos for the entire tests. The results came out normal except the ECG. The doctor told me my heart beats faster that the normal 72 per minute in a lubb dub rhythm, whatever that means, although it’s nothing serious. He asked if I and chest pains or I was tired during the examination.

Is there something wrong with my heart? Or is it the hot nurse who took mg ECG that I suspect induced my palpitations?